for papa.

i miss my grandpa.
i shouldn't....i wasn't the best granddaughter the last few years he was out here. i always "had something to do" and kept busy...telling myself i'd see him soon, at the next family function, or whatever it was.
i look back on it now and there were a lot of weekends i could have gone out to their place. hung out for a few hours.
but i didn't.
and now i can't.
and i probably won't ever forgive myself for that.
i've just been replaying the fun things we used to do.
all the years at the koa. and that rickety old playground that i'm pretty sure was crawling of tetanus, but that we always went to and had so much fun.
all the billions of times at the pool (even the not so fun one where i pretty much almost drowned...)
when he swam like i've never seen him swim before from across the pool to save me in said moment.
he is the reason i love swimming. we would spend hours at the pool.
the times we'd dance around together.
the chats we had when i was helping him bbq.
putting up the dreaded christmas decorations. haha.
the times he let me help run the register at their store.
when he taught me to fish.
when i forgot my crayons in the car at sea world and they melted....all over his brand new white interior car...
when he didn't yell at me or even act like he cared that happened =)
walking around their neighborhood looking at christmas lights...and we'd talk about the future.
when he'd take me to church at their house, and brag about me!
the smile of pride he would give every time i'd talk to him about school.
when he'd tell me how much i reminded him of grandma joan...
the last time he was really sick out here in AZ...and i went to the hospital and just sat and held his hand.
the way he would always say "see ya next year, God willing" with a smile when they were leaving to go back home

i know he was in a lot of pain. and i know he was ready to go home.
i know this because he waited until he made sure we were all ok, and asked about us all one last time.
and until all his daughters weren't in the room.
i miss him.
i'll always miss him.

"He said life is made for you to live
The best love is the love that you give
There'll be times when you wanna hold on but you gotta let go
And I live by those words 'cause Grandpa told me so"