starting from scratch.

i met with my new EP this week.

i'm "tricky" and "complicated".

unfortunately he says so much has been done during all the cath surgeries and ablations that it's hard to tell what's good data to go off of and what's not...so for these first 3 weeks, he's adding more meds to try and control the arrhythmias and collect the even more recent monitor print outs i've had. then, he'll either base his next moves off those, or he'll collect his own.

part of him believes he will find i have the dueling pacemaker business going on again and that the normal sinus node is not behaving like it should. and by "behaving" they mean working. a relatively scary thought. it tends to be lazy and take a few seconds to kick in when it needs to. performance anxiety, lol.

i'm torn and frustrated. he brought up the potential for a pacemaker should he find that there's damage or defect to my sinus node (which he said seems highly possible). however. he said he'd also like to see medication manage that if entirely possible due to only being 23 and active; that i'd be dependent on this device for life and what kind of life would that be having to go in every 7-9 years for lead and battery replacements and the worry for infections, etc etc.

i wish i knew how to stress to these guys that. here i am, 23, spending every 3-4 weeks in countless doctor's offices, shoving pills into myself that VERY few 23 year olds do, i'm miserable. i have insane chest pain, i can't live a normal active 23 year old life. i want to be able to run without getting so tired, to not have to so methodically plan out my day around what i'll be able to physically handle.

so really.....what amount of "normalcy" are they trying so hard to preserve? as far as i'm concerned? it's been long gone.