ok. so let's try this again....i've tried to put into words what i'm thinking.feeling.experiencing.pondering. the list goes on....anywho, i wasn't able to. even today in the office, i wasn't able to...but i think i was able to express myself enough that the point was made...
i can't even begin to put into words outside my heart about how i felt leaving the office. even though i'm still completely clouded in life, i have a new strength i wasn't aware of. i have someone on my side, which i didn't believe i did. more than that, for the first time in a few days i actually had an appetite. that was a good sign i feel too.
my mind is starting to wrap around the idea of just...living for myself. getting to know ME for who i am, and what i am, and being comfortable enough in that person to say the rest of the world simply doesn't matter. those who are supportive are the ones to hold on to. even if that means i lose people in my life that have been there for a long time, as disappointing as that could and would be. i can no longer live for everyone else.
i don't want regrets. i'm starting to really regret graduating early. at the time it was something i felt i had to do. it had been done in my family, why would there have been an easier expectiation of me? i had to keep up the "kawasaki tradition"...i know i was the one who put that on myself, and that my family and friends would have been nothing short of supportive and proud even if it took me 4 years to finish...but. i made myself. and now, now i'm learning that i did more than just finish college earlier than others my age. i was pushed into the "real world". except, i was only as mature as a 20/21 year old. while it is certain i'm more mature than some my age, there's a lot of growing, learning, discovering that happens in that last year of college. and i was doing all that discovering on my own, alone, without the safety net i had developed a few years prior.
i can't keep trying to live my life in accordance with other's rules, demands or expectations. not my friends', my family's, or even the church's for that matter.
while i'm still completely confused about life right now...i'm working on figuring out how to handle and power through the growing pains of life...
no matter what i decide or manage to figure out here, i know there's no way i'll ever fully know everything i'm striving so hard to uncover in me. as jenn said today, very very few people does she know who are completely sure of the direction their life is going.
i guess it'll only get more interesting, different, and exciting even from here out...stay tuned i guess.
No comments:
Post a Comment